Be Good for Nothing
As a mother was bribing her little boy with a quarter so he would behave, she said, "Why do I always have to pay you to be good, why can't you be good for nothing like your dad?"
Categorie
Jokes
Peanut Butter
The 13-year-old had a beau, but it seemed he hung out at her house more for the food than romance. One afternoon the girl told her mother, "Harry seems more interested in food than me. Is there any …
First Date
"Hey Bob," said Bill, "did you know a lot of shrinks say sex on the first date can prohibit any truly meaningful and lasting relationship from ever developing?" "Damned right!" replied Bob. "I count on it."
Barbecues
A blonde went into her local hardware store and bought two instant barbecues - the ones with the pictures of succulent foods on the lid. The next day, she returned one of these to the customer service desk …
Advantages
On his eightieth birthday party, the famous writer gave a small speech, he started "At such an age actually, a man has a lot of advantages," he paused. The pause lasted for a while, then he added, "Well …
Dad’s Money
The teacher asked: "Little Johnny, if your father earned $100.00 and gave half of it to your mother, what would she have?" Little Johnny replied, "A heart attack!"
Gentlemen’s Bet
An American and an English officer were in the Officers' Mess having a few drinks. After several of them, they hit on the idea to make the following (gentleman's) bet:: The one who could tell the biggest lie …
Across the Street
Noticing that her husband's relationship with the alluring young miss across the street was becoming more than a little friendly, the suspicious wife awoke one morning to find herself alone in bed. Angered, she dialed her attractive neighbor …
At a Baby Shower
At a baby shower her co-workers gave her, Jane mentioned she had a craving for grapes. "My husband and I wonder if we have a wine maker here," she joked. "Don't laugh," added an older friend, "I couldn't …
Play Outside
A stewardess was getting very annoyed by three little children on the plane. They had been bugging her since take-off, complaining that they were hungry or bored or tired or thirsty or needed to go to the bathroom …
Happy
A couple are lying in bed. The man says, “I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.” The woman says, “When are you leaving?”
Banker Strike
The employees at a bank went on strike, leaving the bank officers to do the teller's tasks. While the strike was on, a customer called the bank to ask if they were open. They told her that they …
Living or Dead
An executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in his company. He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with anyone, living or dead, who would …
Lovers’ Lane
Mary: So we were parked in Lovers' lane, and he said, "Your skin is so soft." Jill: How sweet! Mary: Yeah, except he was stroking the "fine Corinthian leather" of the upholstery!
Moving Furniture
Co-workers sympathized as a woman complained that her back was really sore from moving furniture. "Why don't you wait till your husband gets home?" someone asked. "I could," she told the group, "but the couch is easier to …
Fancy Menu
Two diners at an inn are shocked to see on the menu a dish of "hickory-smoked possum jowls in pancake syrup." They summon a waiter to complain. Their waiter looks at the menu. Then he flings it down …
Big Dog
Husband arriving home with an enormous dog to indignant wife who is surrounded by 3 small children: "But I did consult you -- you said a Great Dane was the last thing we needed around here."
Cost Cuts
The following conversation took place one morning between a wife and her now ex-husband. They were discussing government cost cuts that they recently heard about in the paper. “Steve,” his wife said, while reading the newspaper, “it looks …
Hotel Surprise
The last time John checked into a New York hotel, he opened the door to his room and found a pair of beautiful twenty-one-year-old naked twins stretched out on the bed. "Surprise," the twins said in unison, "we're …
Cookies
During the church service, the minister invited the young children to join him near the altar for the "Children's Moments Sermon". One day, with seven small children in attendance, he spoke about the ingredients required to make up …