Dead Husband
Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other's health, one asked how the other's husband was doing. "Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to …
Categorie
Jokes
Wrong House
An old fellow was snoozing away contentedly when he was startled awake by the doorbell. He staggered off the couch to make his way to the door. There stood a gorgeous young woman. "Oh my goodness," the pretty …
Delivery Room
The woman was in labor in the delivery room with her husband at her side coaching her just the way he learned in the Lamaze class. It seemed like an eternity before the doctor finally announced, "I've got …
Affordable Cars
The fourth-grade class was studying the development of the auto industry. The teacher had emphasized the role played by Henry Ford, whose assembly lines decreased production costs. At the end of the unit, she gave a test including …
Driving Lesson
Elizabeth was nervous as she took the wheel for her first driving lesson. As she was pulling out of the parking lot, the instructor said, "Turn left here, and don't forget to let the people behind you know …
Hungry Dog
A guest at dinner noticed the small family dog looking hungrily at every bite she took. Finally she took a small piece of meat from her plate and held it up for him. "Speak!" she said to the …
Fresh Fish
Frieda had just finished her fish dinner. She was, however, not at all happy with it, so she called over the waiter. "I've tasted fresher fish," said Frieda. "Not in here," replied the waiter.
Hearing Confessions
A priest was given the job of hearing the confessions for an order of monks. The priest returned to his parish that night and complained to one of the nuns about how long each of the monks took …
Hard to Quit
Connie told her 4-year-old grandson, Dean, not to jump on the beds. After several warnings she punished him, explaining that should he fall, he would hurt himself badly. Several minutes passed... and he was back to jumping on …
Puritans
An American history teacher, lecturing the class on the Puritans, asked: "What sort of people were punished in the stocks?" To which a small voice from the back of the room responded: "The small investor."
Broken Plates
Reisha was on the phone to Marina crying her eyes out as if her heart would break. "What's wrong, Reisha?" Marina asked. "My good China plates! My husband broke them!" she sobbed. "He must have really been mad. …
Stabbing Pain
Margaret (a blonde) and Jill were chatting over coffee. Margaret said, "I've been experiencing a strange and painful side effect from coffee. I'm fine when I drink it black, but if I use cream, or sugar, or both, …
Driver’s License Picture
The traffic cop stopped the woman for a minor traffic violation. After examining her driver's license in silence for a moment he said, "You know something, this is one of the finest, most realistic pictures I've ever seen. …
The Cure
A woman went to doctors office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped …
The Prescription
Did you hear about the doctor who wrote out a prescription in the usual doctor's fashion? The patient used it for two years as a railroad pass. Twice it got him into Radio City Music Hall, and once …
Eskimo Girl
Then there was the Eskimo girl who spent the night with her boyfriend and next morning found she was six months pregnant.
Carats
Two cuties were comparing notes concerning their latest boyfriends. The first said, "He took me to his condo in Ocean City and showed me all these expensive jewels. There was an emerald-cut diamond of at least five carats, …
Optometrist Charges
An optometrist was instructing a new employee on how to charge a customer: "As you are fitting his glasses, if he asks how much they cost, you say '$75.' If his eyes don't flutter, say, 'For the frames. …
Dictionary
A man was searching the dictionary for the word "dictionary". He found this meaning: "Dictionary is the thing you are holding, stupid." Wondering what the definition of "stupid" was, he searched for the word "stupid". He found: "Is …
How Do You Spell
Teacher: John, how do you spell "crocodile"? John: K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L. Teacher: No, that's wrong. John: Maybe it’s wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!