„Do you mean to tell me your whole family was shocked and surprised when your ninety-five-year-old uncle died?” Bill asked Doug.
„That’s right.” Doug said.
„But if he was ninety-five years old, why was everybody surprised?” Bill asked.
Doug shakes his head and says, „Well, who the heck would ever expect his parachute to not open?”
A man lunching at a Chinese restaurant noticed that the table had been set with forks, not chopsticks. He asked why. The waiter said, „Chopsticks were provided only on request.”
„But,” the man countered, „if you gave your patrons chopsticks, you wouldn’t have to pay someone to wash all the forks.”
„True,” the waiter shot back, „but we would have to hire three more people to clean up the mess.”
A lady went to a pet shop. „I’d like to buy two yellow canaries,” she told the owner.
„Sorry, lady, we don’t have any canaries, but we have these,” the owner said, as he showed the lady some pale green parakeets.
„That’s not what I’m looking for,” the lady stated. „Yellow canaries…!”
The pet storeowner refused to give up. He said, „Ma’am, just think of them as yellow canaries that aren’t quite ripe yet!”
A boy was writing something, and he asked his dad, „Is it ‘negger’ or ‘nigger’?”
His dad said, „NO! Neither of those is right! If you must use something like that, use ‘Negro’.”
The daddy went to where his son was seated and looked over the boy’s shoulder to see the beginning of a fan letter to „Arnold Schwarzenegro.”
Did you hear about the lady who went to the fat farm and discovered the program really worked?
The first day alone she was $500 lighter.
A lawyer was trying to console a weeping widow. Her husband had passed away without a will. „Did the deceased have any last words?” asked the lawyer.
„You mean right before he died?” sobbed the widow.
„Yes,” replied the lawyer. „They might be helpful if it’s not too painful for you to recall.”
„Well,” she began, „he said ‘Don’t try to scare me! You couldn’t hit the broad side of a barn with that gun.'”
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