Opposites Attract
"You and your husband don't seem to have an awful lot in common," said the new tenant's neighbor. "Why on earth did you get married?" "I suppose it was the old business of 'opposites attract'," was the reply. …
Categorie
Jokes
Husband Coming Home
A husband had just arrived home from a six-month tour of duty. The husband closed the front door and immediately he and his wife were furiously making love upstairs when, suddenly, the wind slammed a door shut somewhere …
Late for Work
For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9 A.M. on the dot. He had never missed a day and was never late. Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without Johnson's arrival, it caused …
Engaged to Doctor
There was a pretty nurse named Carol who broke her engagement to a doctor. She was explaining everything to a friend. "Do you mean to say," exclaimed Cindy, "that the bum asked you to give back the ring …
Amnesia
Jill: I read that vigorous, long-lasting sex can cause amnesia. Mary: Is that right? Jill: Is what right? I'm sorry. What were we talking about?
New Baby
A man who suffered from impotence went to see a doctor. The doctor gave him a revolutionary new injection made from monkey glands, which worked perfectly. Nine months and two weeks later, his wife had a baby. When …
Buy Me a Mink
Kurt was going out with a nice girl and finally popped the question. "Will you marry me, darling?" he asked. Lisa smiled coyly and said, "Yes, if you'll buy me a mink." Kurt thought for a moment and …
Stupid Gift
Jill: How was your Christmas? Mary: Oh, it was just fine. How was yours? Jill: Pretty good… At least this year I didn't get any useless or stupid gifts. Did you ever get a gift that you just …
Santa Claus
The four stages of life: 1) You believe in Santa Claus. 2) You don't believe in Santa Claus. 3) You are Santa Claus. 4) You look like Santa Claus.
Carry-on Luggage
Explaining luggage regulations to passengers can be aggravating for flight attendants. One day a woman tried to board with an enormous bag. The lead flight attendant told her why it would not fit, but the woman argued that …
Good Old Days
Grandpa John was always going on about the good old days, and the lower cost of living, in particular... "When I was a boy, my momma could send me to the store, and I'd get a ham, a …
Military Medals
At a diplomatic reception, the Mexican general appeared in a magnificent uniform, liberally bespattered with medals and decorations. "That's most impressive," said the US ambassador. "Tell me, general, what did you get all those for?" "In your money," …
Fight
John got in a fight with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." John said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" John said, "Well, you won't be …
Kiss
One evening, Aspazia drew her husband, Myrddin’s attention to the couple next door and said, “Do you see that couple? How loving they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don’t you do that?” she asked. …
Dad was Gone
As the father of five young children, Jim commented at the dinner table one evening that they hadn't missed him while he was away on a two-week business trip. But his six-year-old daughter explained, "That's because Mommy never …
Lightbulb in the Bathroom
A man's ex-wife called him at work wanting to know how to change the light bulb in the bathroom. So he told her: "First, fill the bathtub with water..."
Cemetery Plot
A woman, having walked all around the cemetery, complains to the caretaker, "I have looked all around, and can not find my husband's grave." "Oh? What name were you looking for?" "Itzic Finkelstein." "Hmmmm," says the caretaker, "must …
Wrinkled
Nancy & Betty, and Jim & Tom were in the old people's home. Nancy & Betty thought Jim & Tom weren't getting enough excitement so they decided to run naked past Jim & Tom's room. Later that night …
Game Warden
Voice on the phone: Is this the game warden? Game warden: Yes, it is. Voice: Thank goodness, I have the right person at last. Would you please give me some suggestions for a child's birthday party?
Shakespeare
The college football player knew his way around the locker room better than he did the library, so when the librarian saw the gridiron star roaming the stacks looking confused, she asked how she could help. "I have …