At one game, a lady kept up a steady flow of threats at the umpire. No matter what was happening on the field, she kept yelling, „Kill the umpire! Kill the umpire!” This went on for an hour.
Another patron said, „Lady, the umpire hasn’t done anything wrong.”
The woman said, „He’s my husband and he came home last night with lipstick on his collar! Kill the umpire!!”
Flying home after visiting her daughter in England, Mary arranged to have her husband meet her plane at the Vancouver, B.C. airport. This meant a stop at the border crossing between the United States and Canada, where her husband was asked: „What is your reason for entering the country?” and „How long are you planning to stay?”
He replied that he was picking his wife up at the airport after her trip to England.
Without missing a beat, the guard asked two more questions in the same businesslike tone: „Is the house clean?” and, „Are there fresh flowers on the table?”
A woman was at home with her children when the telephone rang. In going to answer it, she tripped on her rug, grabbed for something to hold on to and seized the telephone table.
It fell over with a crash, jarring the receiver off the hook.
As it fell, it hit the family dog, who leaped up, howling and barking. The woman’s three-year-old son, startled by this noise, broke into loud screams. The woman mumbled some colorful words. She finally managed to pick up the receiver and lift it to her ear, just in time to hear her husband’s voice on the other end say, “Nobody’s said hello yet, but I’m positive I have the right number.”
One day the wife asked her husband what will he do if she were to die.
The husband replied, „I’ll also die.”
The wife asked him, „Why?”
Husband replied, „Well, you know I have a heart condition and most likely I would not be able to tolerate that much happiness.”
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