A man takes his place in the theater, but his seat is too far from the stage. He whispers to the usher, „This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I’ll give you a handsome tip.”
The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter. The usher looks at the quarter, leans over and whispers, „The wife did it.”
The U.N. conducted a worldwide survey with only one question: „Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?” The survey was a total failure.
Africans didn’t know what „food” meant. Eastern Europeans didn’t know what „honest” meant. Western Europeans didn’t know what „shortage” meant. The Chinese didn’t know what „opinion” meant. Middle Easterners didn’t know what „solution” meant. South Americans didn’t know what „please” meant. And the Americans didn’t know what „the rest of the world” meant!
A motorist was on trial for hitting a pedestrian. The motorist’s lawyer made this point: „Your honor, my client has been driving for over thirty years.”
To which the lawyer for the plaintiff retorted: „Your honor, if we are going to judge this case by experience, may I remind you that my client has been walking for over fifty years.”
A group of American tourists were being guided through an ancient castle in Europe.
„This place,” the guide told them, „is 600 years old. Not a stone in it has been touched, nothing altered, nothing replaced in all those years.”
„Wow,” said one woman dryly, „they must have the same landlord I have.”
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, „Why is the bride dressed in white?”
„Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.”
The child thought about this for a moment, then said, „So why is the groom wearing black?”
A woman sat in the crowded waiting room and became engrossed in a magazine. When the nurse called her name, she found her leg had gone to sleep and she limped awkwardly in to the doctor’s office. The doctor wrote a new prescription and two minutes later the woman walked briskly out into the waiting room again.
As she put on her coat, she noticed another patient staring at her in astonishment. The surprised patient poked her companion and whispered excitedly, „See, Betty? I told you he is the best doctor in town!”
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