06 mai
A father asks his 10-year-old son if he knows about the birds and the bees.
„I don’t want to know!” the child says, bursting into tears. „Promise me you won’t tell me!”
Confused, the father asks what’s wrong.
„Oh, dad,” the boy sobs. „When I was six, I got the ‘There’s no Santa speech’. At seven, I got the ‘There’s no Easter Bunny’ speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the ‘There’s no Tooth Fairy’ speech. If you’re going to tell me that grownups don’t really get laid, I’ll have nothing left to live for.”
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29 apr.
A hat was passed around a church congregation to take up an offering for the visiting minister. Presently it was returned to him… embarrassingly empty.
Slowly the parson inverted the hat and shook it meaningfully. Then raising his eyes heavenward, he exclaimed, „I thank you, Lord, that I got my hat back from this congregation.”
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22 apr.
Several women were visiting elderly Mrs. Diamond who was very ill. After a while, they rose to leave and told her, „Esther, we will keep you in our prayers.”
„Just wash the dishes in the kitchen,” the ailing woman said, „I can do my own praying.”
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15 apr.
A short and very obese woman bought a new hat that featured a flaming red flower on a six-inch stem…
One of her friends finally mustered up enough courage to suggest that the hat was not becoming to her.
„Heavens, I know that,” replied the woman cheerily, „but when I meet people on the street, I’d rather have them say, ‘Look at that funny hat,’ than ‘Look at that funny fat woman.'”
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08 apr.
„Now, what are you planning to do about that excess weight you’re carrying around?” the doctor asked the patient.
„I just can’t seem to lose the weight,” the patient said. „Must be an overactive thyroid.”
„The tests show your thyroid is perfectly normal,” the doctor said. „If anything is overactive, it’s your fork.”
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01 apr.
A cop walking his usual beat sees an old man pulling a box on a leash, down a busy street. „Poor man,” the cop thinks to himself. „I’d better go humor him.”
„That’ a nice dog you got there,” says the cop to the old man.
„It isn’t a dog, it’s a box,” replies the old man.
„Oh, I’m sorry,” says the policeman, „I thought you were simple-minded.”
The old man walks past the cop, then turns to his box, and says, „We sure fooled him that time, didn’t we, Rover?”
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