A new member of a church is talking to the Pastor: „You have such a small congregation. How can they afford to pay you?”
The Pastor said, „Well, I only earn $60 a week.”
The man is dumbfounded. „Pastor, how in the world can you get by on an amount that small?”
„Well, I tell ya. If I wasn’t such a religious man and didn’t fast three days a week, I’d probably starve to death.”
Guards escorted a handcuffed prisoner into the courtroom. „Is this a tough judge?” the prisoner asked the baliff.
The baliff replied, „A tough but fair judge.”
„Yeah?” continued the prisoner. „How tough?”
„The toughest judge since Pontius Pilate,” the baliff replied.
The prisoner answered, „I don’t know him. I’m not from around here.”
The featured guest on a local radio talk show was a woman who owned a home-cleaning service. After she described what her clients could expect, the program’s telephone lines were opened to the audience.
The first caller struck to the heart of every woman who had ever contemplated employing such a service. Her question: „How much cleaning do I have to do before your people come?”
A panhandling bum is walking along in the theater district just around matinee time. The streets are crowded with people rushing to get in to their shows.
The bum sees a well dressed man walking along and goes up to him and asks, „Sir, can I borrow a quarter?”
The man stops and says in a very dignified tone, „Neither a borrower nor a lender be!” – William Shakespeare.
The bum looks back at the man and says, „Up yours, you cheap bastard!” – Darryl Johnson.
The weeping wife poured out her heart to the eminent marriage counselor. „Isn’t there some way -without turning into a nag- that I can keep my husband in line?”
The counselor scowled. „Young lady,” he said, „your husband shouldn’t have to wait in line!”
A female truck driver decided to buy herself a big dog for protection while she was on the road. She went to the local animal shelter and asked about one particularly large and fierce-looking dog and the attendant told her, „He doesn’t like men.” Perfect, she thought, and so she bought him.
Later that week, she was in a dark parking lot and two big, rough looking men started walking toward her.
Sure enough, as the attendant at the animal shelter had told her, the dog didn’t like men. He promptly ran and cowered under the nearest car.